The Seamstress

Released: 2009

Directed by: Jesse James Miller

Starring: Lance Henriksen, Kailin See, David Kopp, James Kirk, Lara Gilchrist 

Genre: Horror

Somewhere within the celluloid biology of The Seamstress there lies a kernel of a decent idea for a movie. However, seeing as how said kernel is surrounded by an overwhelming amount of stupidity and trite storytelling, I’m not even going to bother looking for it. You’re welcome to it, but I say forget it, you probably have better things to do.

A young woman embarks on a journey to find her missing father, who apparently had something to do with the torture and murder of another young woman. Weird symbols and maps lead her and her friends to an island, where the ghost of the murdered woman is supposedly murdering and mutilating anyone who comes in contact with her. Or maybe someone decidedly more corporeal is committing these murders, and hiding behind a supernatural legend? Or maybe no one cares?

Basically we get a slew of spazzy, shrieking, Saw-style editing, a group of annoying and completely worthless characters, and veteran actor Lance Henriksen sleepwalking through what he no doubt considers an “alimony movie.” (Those are his words, I read them in an interview.)

The story never really gels into anything cohesive, and the subplots are so irrelevant that you will want to hit yourself over the head with a brick. Attempts at humor either fall completely flat or are out-right embarrassing to the viewer. For example: during a sex scene, one of the characters stops due to a sudden need to evacuate his bowels. When his girlfriend asks him if he brought any paper to wipe himself, he pulls a sock of her foot and scampers off. Not funny.

I really hate to be so harsh, because I can generally appreciate what most filmmakers are trying to accomplish, even if they don’t succeed. In the case of The Seamstress, I just can’t figure out why anyone even bothered.  

Rating: 0 out of 4

The Seamstress Trailer